Change

Is the pre-baby woman still in anyone after a major life event such as becoming a mother - regardless of the number of children she has?

You see, I have this theory. I truly believe that age has little to do with when a person changes. You know how 'experts' always say to wait until you are 30 to get married because you are completely different in your 30s than you are your 20s? I'm just not sure that your actual age has anything to do with it. I wonder if whoever those experts are believe that the changes I've undergone would have happened without having children.

My theory is that people change as a result of major life events. So whether a person is 25 or 35 when they have children doesn't matter.

The event is what matters.

I know that the “me” I am today would never have evolved unless I had become a mother. Without children, I wouldn't have as much patience, be able to put others first, or be the emotional, weepy, person I am today. I know that I wouldn't understand beauty or miracles as I do today. I wouldn't appreciate my family in the way that I do for all their support.

On the other hand, if I were 38 without children, I don't think I would be quite so neurotic. I probably wouldn't feel the need to control everything quite so much. I also know I wouldn't be as particular (what some might call obsessive) about how my house was cleaned or how clothes were put away in a drawer or how the toilet paper came off the roll on top, not bottom...

I bring this up because the past year has been challenging for our family in many ways. I'm always humbled when people say things like “I don't know how you do it” or “You just make it look so easy”.  Most days on the inside I feel like that guy at the circus that has 47 porcelain plates he is spinning on 27 poles, all the while waiting for it all to come crashing to the floor.

That's the point when I wonder….Am I really in here somewhere?

I'll be honest and say that without a doubt I completely changed when Ella and Aidan were born. My priorities shifted and what really mattered in life came into focus. I suppose it would be self-depricating not to say this, but I really like the person I've become. Sure there are a bazillion things I’d like to change, but overall I feel like I'm on the right path. So, now I am trying to reconcile the person I am now with the person I know my husband fell in love with years ago. I was never the free-spirited, fly by the seat of my pants person I'd love to be, but I'm even less like that today. I am too serious, don't play enough, take on way too much, etc, etc, etc. And for the record he is very different too, but in a good way.

When Ella and Aidan were born I unconsciously completely checked out of our marriage for about six months. Don't get me wrong I didn't do anything bad or blantantly hurtful, I just went into survival mode.  At the time I didn't know anything else to do. I stayed at home with my babies, didn't have much interaction with adults, had about 3 hours a sleep a day for over a year, and came just this side of breaking down on multiple occasions. And to think that others thought I had it all together!

When the kids were just over a year old, Mike (in not so many words) asked me “Are you still in there?”.

I was, for once, without words.

I'm not sure what my answer was supposed to be: Yes I am! Don't leave me! No, I'm different and better! Yes and no. I don't know. I'm crazy and need help from a therapist.

And in the crazy circular way of my mind, I still don't know the answer. I suppose I'm still in there.

Ultimately, I'm not the same person I used to be. I have changed.  But if given the option of living the past three years having changed or not changed, I know what I would choose. I suppose meshing my journey as a mother and a partner to my husband all comes down to grace. We've had to work very hard to give each other grace when it comes to how we've changed, what our new priorities are, and all the itty-bitty-picky things we can't stand about the other.

Because in the end, change is one of the certain things all people go through.