It has been a while since we ventured out and did something different. Always on the lookout for fun kiddo entertainment, we decided to head Uptown to Imaginon today for storytime.
Joined by the boys, our "quads" LOVE playing in this gigantic library designed just for kids. Storytime was fun, as was playing on the giant fire truck and trolly!
Perhaps the best part of the day was riding the light rail. Ella, Aidan, Adams and Henry all had such fun!!
I have been suffering from an insane case of insomnia lately. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed by motherhood. You know how your head can hit the pillow and you can allow yourself to start thinking about all have to do? I can do this easily when I think of all the duties, obligations and energy I need to store up and fulfill all year long in one lump sum.
I know by now that thinking of a year’s worth of anything, especially parenting, will give me a massive case of anxiety and worry and insecurities and helplessness. If I worry too much about the future, (and boy can there be a lot of worry about the future, as the “future” with school age children is just around the corner) I lose confidence in myself. Of course, there is nothing wrong with future plans, or goals or dreams, or thoughts. But when those little things all become ONE giant looming mountain of “Make sure you....You have to.... What if.... When are we....Will he be able to.... Will she remember....” my role seems daunting at best, impossible at worst.
When I take this important job I have day by day, sometimes week by week, I feel a sense of peace and purpose and joy in what I do and the anxiety is chased away. There is nothing wrong with planning for the future, but when I think of decades, when I dream up all the what if's, it doesn't get me anything but a bucket of worry.
When I look at my life and I try to think about what makes me happy, some of the answers are obvious. My kids. My husband. A clean house. A warm shower. But when I start shifting through the little details, it becomes more difficult to pinpoint exactly what those little things are that make me happy. What do I do for myself?
I ask that question and draw an utter and complete blank. Aside from this blog, (which certainly fulfills my creative outlet, yet is really more about Ella and Aidan) I literally do nothing at all for myself.
When I think about whether to keep blogging or not, it is not only a decision that is based on the uncertainty of my niche and what direction to focus the blog, but also in the amount of time I have to invest in it these days. I have so much that I want to do and accomplish and so little time in which to do it all.
And come July when new baby Parker arrives, time will only be more scarce.
With the blog, I do want to write. But I want to write five days a week. And I want each post to be focused, concise, and proofread. (ha!). I want to redesign my site. I want to record my kids’ important memories and write for myself -- both as an outlet and as a way to connect with others. Pretty much, like other aspects of my life, I want to do it all and I want to do it all perfectly.
And when I write here, sometimes it feels like more of a "have to" instead of a "want to".
I know that eventually I will have more time (I will, right??) but that doesn't stop the perfectionist in me from just not wanting to do any of it at all if I can't do it all perfectly.
I'm going to keep the blog. I'm going to write when I can. I may miss weeks. I may miss days. I may write a lot of posts in draft that are never published. I may not write at all for awhile. One day, I do want to write five days a week again.
But for now, I'll write when I can and worry less about being perfect. There may be spelling and grammatical errors and fewer posts. But at least it will still be here.
Not much has been going on around the Parker household. We were doused with nearly eight inches of snow this past Monday, which was followed up with a coating of sleet and ice. Thus, the kids have been out of school and we have been housebound for several days.
Needless to say, we are all a bit excited to finally see the sun and for some of the ice and snow to melt - at least enough so that Ella and Aidan can head back to preschool tomorrow!
January 1, 2011
12:00 AM
I kissed sweet baby # 1 under my left arm (Ella), kissed sweet baby #2 under my right arm (Aidan), blew a kiss to sweet baby # 3 in my belly, and blew a kiss to my dear husband working at the fire station.
Though Mike was missed, it was a perfect way to welcome in the new year.
