From Online to Hardcopy

No writer writes alone. 

We may isolate ourselves for hours or days at a time to be quiet with out thoughts, waiting for a brainstorm or attempting to string together the best choice of words, but we never write alone.  Always with us are the wisdom and ideas of those who have influenced our thinking, the voices of loved ones who believe in us, and the presence of individuals and communities who have shaped us into who we are.  While this blog may bear my name, it is ultimately the result and work of many people. 

Someone asked me the other day if I ever planned to let Ella and Aidan read this blog.  My answer is definitely yes. I have been told all my life that I was a born writer.  I guess I just needed the right subject matter!  The reason I began blogging in the first place was to provide a place for friends and family to keep up with the kids. I also wanted a journal that would leave a piece of who I am behind for Ella and Aidan to always have on hand.  I am doing just that - and have now begun the process of turning this blog into a bound hardcopy book for them to have when they are ready.

While I am definitely not the best writer and there are things I've written that have caused family controversy and awkward friendships, there is nothing in my blog (or in my life for that matter) that I would feel the need to shelter from Ella and Aidan. Sure, they are not ready at the age two to read the blog and understand the journey that we went through to have them, but it will be available to them when they are ready. 

I think a lot of this stems from my desire to have an open and honest relationship with my children. I don't want them to see me just as "mom" but as a person as well. And while this blog mostly focuses on my "mom" role -- sometimes a little hint of the "real" me sneaks into my writing as well. 

And yes, I'll be the first to admit, there are numerous posts in my archives that I already look back on and think "Wow! What was I thinking??!!" But I think that is part of life. Part of growing up. Life changes and evolves and so do my thoughts. My life is different than it was three years ago and those changes have impacted who I am. Sometimes, you just have to look back and laugh.

In a strange way, I think it also takes a weird type of courage to share many of my inner-most thoughts daily in the blogosphere. I'm proud of myself for having the courage to share. For not caring what everyone thinks or becoming wrapped up in the drama that the blog sometimes causes. Sometimes people misconstrue my words. Sometimes people take my posts too seriously. Sometimes people jump to conclusions based on one post. And I'll admit I've even had those brief moments where I've thought about not writing anymore...well, let me rephrase that – I’ll never stop writing – I’ve had those brief moments where I've thought about not blogging anymore.

But at the heart of the matter is that this post is who I am today. And what child wouldn't want to read back and be able to see their parents in a new light? To understand both the joys and worries of every day life during a time when they were merely a thought or just beginning to toddle about.  My Mom kept wonderful baby books for both myself and my younger brother. I love to read about how she was feeling when I was little, even if I don’t agree with all of it or end up laughing at half of it. It hurts my heart that we do not have the same for Mike.  

Hopefully, by the time Ella and Aidan read my musings, they'll be old enough to understand that this blog became more than just a subset of their journal - it became a way to share our life with others and a way to connect with friends across the country. It has become my therapy -- my place to vent my worries and showcase my love for my family. 

And I hope that by reading my words, even if they think a lot of it is ridiculous, it is vividly apparent that they will always be my number one priority and love in life.