An "Off" Day

We all have "off" days, don't we?

I seem to find myself wondering these days why I am writing.

Am I writing for me, Jennifer -- the one I've known forever?

Am I writing for me, the mother?

Am I writing for you?

Am I writing for the new me, the stay at home mother who's really trying to get it (and keep it) together?

I haven't a clue, which is why I haven't been writing deep or profound thoughts lately. It’s not that I don't have anything to say; I'm just not sure how it fits. Or, perhaps, when I'm downstairs in the kitchen and think, "Wow, that's a great blog post" I'm often instantly sent in another direction to solve a disagreement (because that's what it's like now) or to reason with one of my almost 2-year-olds.

And then my mind forgets the good idea. Or, I walk to the computer to write and then I get stuck on Facebook, which reminds me of the past and soon I'm walking down memory lane and getting stuck. And then tired. And, where was I?

Lately, many of my good ideas have been centered around the "me" I am now.

I've looked long and hard at myself lately in reflections in the microwave or the dirty car window and even in the mirror. I'm surprised to see myself because I hardly recognize the person in front of me.

She has lines of aging and sagging skin around her hazel eyes that used to be the highlight of her face.

She looks tired…all of the time.

She's heavier. Her clothes hardly fit - even the new, bigger ones.

The sight is not pretty, and it leaves me wondering where did I go wrong?

All of this has happened in the last three years. Some, in the last year or two - is it too late to reverse the signs of aging, I wonder?

I need to get my act together and stop focusing on the negative and fix the things that I am capable of fixing.

Stop.
Smell the roses.
Breathe.
Breathe deeper.
Hug my husband.
Giggle with the silly toddlers.
Write with no strings or purpose.
Just do it.
Make time to exercise.
Be patient with myself.
Be even more patient with others.
Lower my expectations of others.
Forgive myself - the things I've said. The things I’ve done.
Live.
Stay awake.
Create.
Enjoy.
Find peace.
Know peace.
Hold peace.

And then, when I really sit and think about it, I find the reason(s) that I write.

I write because it is therapeutic.

I write because it is a quiet and personal experience.

I write because I need to do something, even just as simple as this blog, just for myself. This entire blog is just a subset of the journal that I maintain for Ella and Aidan.

I write because I picture Ella and Aidan one day, perhaps when I am long gone, reading their journals and learning things about themselves that they never knew - and maybe even getting a bit teary eyed as they learn just how much they are treasured and loved.