Just like everything else these days, I am having a difficult time putting my thoughts into words - especially about all that we have been through together as a couple these last 3 years.
Just think, if we had gotten pregnant when we initially started this process we would have a 3 year old by now!! I will never forget our walk on the beach in Ocean Isle in October of 2004. We were there for our first anniversary - you had been talking about starting a family since the day we were married, and I kept insisting on waiting at least one year. Well, that was the weekend that we threw caution to the wind and started trying!
I remember how we talked non-stop and late into the night about how we would tell our families and what creative ways we could come up with to surprise them. I also remember my secret plans for how I would tell you that we were pregnant - I had it all planned out to the last detail.
As it turns out, that never happened.
I was robbed of the ability to surprise you in any way.
In all, we were both robbed of any sort of magic to this process. For us, it was all laboratories, blood draws (I have the scars on my arms to prove it), "inspiration rooms", surgeries and injections.
And heartache.
But we stuck it out, and refused to quit. Well, you wanted to quit and I was really the one to refuse that notion. I was determined that if no doctor could give us a medical reason for it not to work, then it would eventually work.
After months / years of Clomid (useless), inseminations (also useless), and one round of invitro (IVF) that ended in the miscarriage of twins, we won the battle.
We have Ella and Aidan - we crossed that finish line with the pride of anyone who has truly struggled for anything in life. Unlike so many others, we were not just handed a successful pregnancy - we had to work for it. And I think that we are better for having struggled. There are many out there who would have been destroyed by the process itself, not to mention the emotional scars.
Through it all - the ups, the downs and the in-betweens, we have stood strong together, as a team. You are my partner, my best friend, and my husband.
And today we are just weeks away from celebrating one year of life - one full year since our miracles arrived. Sometimes when Ella and Aidan are in bed, we find ourselves looking around the living room at all of their baby things, and wondering about their siblings. Were they girls or boys? How would we have made it work with 4 babies?
(For those that don't know, we started off with quads. Yes, we had Ella and Aidan and also a set of identicals whose hearts stopped beating at about 8-10 weeks. When you go through IVF you have more ultrasounds than you can count, and we saw all 4 little flickers on the screen at one visit, and only 2 the next time).
It would have been oh-so incredibly difficult, but I love you for not wanting to reduce and for allowing us the opportunity to let them live, even if for ever so brief. It is beyond imperative to me not to ignore the fact that they did exist - they were our babies too.
In closing, you are more of a father than I could have ever imagined or hoped for - I cherish just watching you with the babies, and how much they adore you. Do you have any idea what it is like to give 100% of yourself to these babies all day long, only to have them say "Dada" over and over??
We made it! You and I - together as a team.
And now we have our own little team - Team Ella and Aidan.
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