Memo to My Bosses

M E M O R A N D U M

To: My beloved employers

• Aidan, CEO of Crying For No Reason, COO of the Department of Extremely Out of Control Energy, and President of Whiners Everywhere

• Ella, Manager of Being Overly Demanding, Vice President of Screaming Loudly and Director of Hoarding Toys That Are Not Hers

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First, let me start this memo off by saying how wonderful it has been working for you both. When I was hired for the position of "Mother", I truly underestimated just how fulfilling and rewarding the job would be - each day is full of wonderful new adventures!

There are some things; however, that I would like to address with you and I feel now is as good a time as any. I mean, it's not like you could fire me.....right?

Hours

When I was initially hired, I understood the position called for 24-hour shifts. I had no problem with that. It was a new job for me...one that I had never done before and I welcomed the hours with open arms. However, I feel as though I have been taken advantage of for quite some time now. It was conveniently never mentioned that the 24-hour shifts would be never-ending. I'm being paged at odd hours almost every single night (like 3:15 am) and I'm expected to work overtime quite frequently (although is there such a thing as overtime when I'm already working 24-hr shifts?).

As a result, I would like to propose a change in my hours. I would really appreciate not being expected to clock in any earlier than 7:00 am and I'd like to complete my work day by at least 8:00 pm, if not earlier. I'd also like to only be on-call at night for emergencies, like when you have a nightmare in the middle of the night or if you wet your bed. Requesting more water, to blow your nose, to chat about what Opa and Grandma Shushi are doing, if Grandaddy likes bananas, where Mema is, to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar just one more time, or to just say "Hi" are not actual emergencies and I am quite certain that they can wait until morning.

Benefits

This falls right in line with my hours (see above). I would like to be able to take personal days here and there, as needed. Of course, I would give you advance notice so you could find a temporary replacement (might I suggest your father, who is perfectly capable of filling in for me).

Along these lines, you are no longer allowed to cry, whine and scream to me "Mommy, I want you...." as I'm running out the door. Guilt trips will no longer be acceptable.

Don't most employees at least get (by law) a lunch break and some sort of break per XX hours worked? I could call a professional to research this further, but I really do not think any of us want to get lawyers involved. That said, I would appreciate daily 15-minute meal breaks and 5-minute potty breaks for every 4 hours that I work. I think that's very reasonable.

Furthermore, I will finally be taking sick days, as needed. Nothing excessive, but if I should come down with a blinding migraine (that, chances are, you caused...and I say that with all due respect of course), I'd like to know that I won't have the added pressure of having to work that day. Again, your father is a willing and able substitute in my absence (he may not be aware that he's willing and able but, trust me, he is).

Although this is not a paid position, it would be nice every so often to receive a gift certificate from you for a massage or a mani/pedi (just to show your appreciation of all my hard work - hint hint!).

Responsibilities

While the exact job responsibilities were never really clearly discussed in detail, I did have a general idea of what the position would entail. With that said, as time has gone by, I feel like I'm not able to give my full attention and devotion to other aspects of my job (such as cleaning and basic laundry) because I simply have so much extra "stuff" on my plate on a daily basis.

The following is a list of jobs I will no longer be doing:

• Running around like a chicken with my head cut off at meal times fetching "this and that" for you so often that I never actually get a chance to actually sit down and eat
• Providing constant and never ending entertainment, so much so that I am unable to leave your presence long enough to put a simple load of laundry away
• Breaking up fights 24 hours a day (one can only say "use your words" and "we don't hit" so many times before she is deemed legally insane)
• Struggling with you to brush your teeth twice a day (if your teeth rot and fall out, you'll just have to drink all of your food through a straw)
• Cleaning up all of the toys that you take out but never seem to put away (I'm no longer buying the excuse, "But I don't know how/where to put it away"

Right to Privacy

This is something I feel very strongly about and I feel that it's gone on for way too long. I am now requiring total and complete privacy when I'm in the bathroom (that includes going potty, taking a shower, getting dressed, etc). No employee should ever have to sit there while the bosses ogle her asking "Mommy, What are you doing now?" over and over again as she uses the bathroom.

From now on, you are no longer allowed to enter the bathroom when I'm in it. No more sticking your hands under the door and yelling, "How many fingers can you see now?" over and over again, or banging on the door repeatedly with the hopes that I will eventually cave and let you in, or beating each other up outside the door with the expectation that I will be able to hold it long enough to break up the fight.

I hope you know that, even with all my faults, I try my best to be the most wonderful employee the world has ever known. I am 100% committed to keeping our company afloat and helping it to be successful. After all, any employee who says "yeah, that sounds like fun" when her bosses want to make spaghetti noodles from playdoh is more than dedicated....a little insane, even.

In closing, I would like to thank you for the wonderful learning opportunity you have provided me with over the past two and a half years. While I'm sometimes guilty of making mistakes and not performing tasks to the best of my abilities, I appreciate that you have continued to encourage me with your never-ending smiles, hugs and kisses.

Someday when you are both grown up and married, I hope to be promoted to the coveted position of "grandmother".

Sincerely,

Your dedicated, hard-working employee (aka - Mommy)