Day By Day

I have been suffering from an insane case of insomnia lately.  Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed by motherhood.  You know how your head can hit the pillow and you can allow yourself to start thinking about all have to do?  I can do this easily when I think of all the duties, obligations and energy I need to store up and fulfill all year long in one lump sum.  

I know by now that thinking of a year’s worth of anything, especially parenting, will give me a massive case of anxiety and worry and insecurities and helplessness.  If I worry too much about the future, (and boy can there be a lot of worry about the future, as the “future” with school age children is just around the corner) I lose confidence in myself.  Of course, there is nothing wrong with future plans, or goals or dreams, or thoughts.  But when those little things all become ONE giant looming mountain of “Make sure you....You have to.... What if.... When are we....Will he be able to.... Will she remember....” my role seems daunting at best, impossible at worst.

When I take this important job I have day by day, sometimes week by week, I feel a sense of peace and purpose and joy in what I do and the anxiety is chased away.  There is nothing wrong with planning for the future, but when I think of decades, when I dream up all the what if's, it doesn't get me anything but a bucket of worry.