21 Months

My children, just like everyone else’s, are growing up too fast.

They are 21 months old today and we are heading full speed towards two years old, which is practically ancient in baby years. So many milestones have come and gone… weaning from bottles, first solids, nap schedules, sleeping through the night for the first time, switching carseats, walking, teething, first haircuts, first words…so very many firsts. My babies aren’t really babies anymore.

I was struck by this realization as I picked up Aidan from his crib one night last week. He has been teething (those darn canines!) and occasionally wakes up in pain in the middle of the night. He is so heavy these days and the mattress is as the lowest setting, so it was very hard to lift his 28+lb sleepy body out of the crib while on my tip-toes in the dark. I settled into the rocker, and he snuggled up against me, skin hot to the touch, breathing quietly, his little arm wrapped around my neck. We sat like that for almost half of an hour, him sleeping, me rocking. Eventually, my arms started to get tired, and I suddenly realized that I need a bigger lap! His little legs were hanging off of my lap, and we barely fit in the embrace that we both know so well. Yes, he is a pretty big little boy, but it struck me that I will never know ahead of time when my last time rocking him (or Ella) like this will be. It will just happen.

I am a very practical person, and a highly sentimental mom. These two personality traits tend to be very conflicting. My desire to accomplish, finish and complete chores, lists and tasks usually wins out in the day-to-day dance of motherhood. But when the house is clean, quiet and dark, I realize that I have a limited amount of time with my children, and I want to delight in them, not just tolerate their toddler behavior and say at the end of the day “Well, another day done.”

The key for me is to have one-on-one time with my children. When they are together, it is loud, messy and my job as referee and nurse does not exactly leave me feeling warm and fuzzy toward my children. But running errands? With just one kid? What a piece of cake! We can go anywhere we want to…use ANY cart that ANY store has available. Or heck, not even use a cart at all and just walk into a store..any store. I am no longer outnumbered by my children. I am not kidding when I say it is truly delightful!

Last week I took Aidan to Target with me. And since it was just the two of us, I let him walk. Oh! The joy emanating from that little body! He was so happy to walk along side me, and because it was just the two of us, I had all the time, patience and energy in the world to focus on my little love.

I am so much calmer when I am not being pulled in two or more directions at once or untangling them from each other.

I was able to watch him interact with another little boy, without worrying about what his sister was doing to unpaid for merchandise. I didn’t worry about losing him, about a tantrum, and I didn’t get impatient with him when he picked up a discarded wrapper from the floor. To outsiders, it was just a quick errand. To me, it was an opportunity to delight in my little boy, to learn about him, to focus on him, to bond.

Twins seem to have a type of synergy. Together, they are a sum greater than just two babies/toddlers/children. They are a force to be reconned with. Some days, I don’t handle that stress too well. I become unhinged, get irritated and angry. I know that everyone has bad days, but I hate admitting that I do too.

There are some days that I feel like I have fought a war just getting them fed, bathed and in bed. I sometimes feel like I am missing out on connecting with them, because I am so busy trying to get through the daily routine (heck, just getting two toddlers dressed, in shoes, in coats, hats and into the car is an exhausting feat in itself!).

It makes me feel badly that I don’t feel recognize and remember the significance of these years at all times. But I am only human, and at least I do recognize the areas in which I can improve. Slowly, one day at a time.

I look forward to more individual dates with Ella and Aidan. Mike’s schedule makes it very difficult to do so, but I think that we will make more of a concerted effort to spend more on-on-one time with them as individuals.

PS - I wanted so badly to do one of the usual photo montages, but I now own a mac computer...and Photoshop for a mac costs mega $$! I am currently begging anyone and everyone I know for a copy of Photoshop that I can use!!