Flashback of Emotions

I heard from a dear friend the other day who has five month old twin girls (in addition to a 4 year old little girl) and she described to me a few of the feelings and emotions she has had since her twins were born.

Then I was chatting with my Mom last night about the early days and we were debating whether I had post-partum depression.

It was hard. SO very hard. I cried A LOT for the first few months.

But we made it through. Sure, I did actually fall asleep at a red light on the way home from work one afternoon, but living on less than two hours of sleep a night will do that to you!

In honor of my Mom and my dear friend Amy - here is my perspective, both from back then and today.

Numb from the neck down, disoriented and exhausted, the maternity nurses asked if I wanted to hold my babies, while I was on a moving gurney! “No! I can’t hold them yet!” I exclaimed, amazed that they would ask someone who just had major surgery and who was barely aware of her lower half to be responsible for a combined 15 and a half pounds of brand new life!

And thus, my journey of motherhood began.

I had an exceptionally good pregnancy, without complications, and carried my babies to their scheduled c-section date. Ella Jayne and Aidan Foster were born weighing 6.10 and 7.10, full term and in perfect health.

Being a mother has been a profound experience, as I am sure it has been for every new mother that has gone before me. From the first day I knew life was growing inside of me, my battle against myself began. Pregnancy forced me to become less selfish, and suddenly, everything going into my mouth directly affected the health of my babies. I spent the first six months of the pregnancy with my head buried in the toilet. Phenergan helped a little, really by simply reducing my morning sickness “episodes" from about 15 times a day down to 2-3. Headaches and body aches became something to endure, as my body no longer belonged to me.

And then one day it hit me…"This is it…from here on out I will always be someone’s mom.” There was no going back to the way things were when it was just me.

And at 9:32 and 9:33 AM on May 8th, 2007, the heavy mantle of responsibility came crashing down upon my shoulders. Shoulders, which, I might add, were still numb from the needle that had been in my spine! As soon as the nurses asked me if I was ready to try breastfeeding, I had another moment where I realized it was up to me to keep these creatures alive! “For crying out loud!” I thought to myself. “I just carried these babies for nine months, had major surgery and now they want ME to take care of them? Can’t somebody else take a turn? Someone without an IV in each hand, a catheter, a fresh incision and whose arms aren’t lead weights? Glad to see you little ones, but SERIOUSLY!”

This wonderful thing called “motherhood” was just beginning. My hospital stay contained very little sleep, a lot of pain, and false cheerfulness. Yes, I was ever so thankful to have delivered healthy little ones, but did the resident doctor really need to check on me at 5am? Did the entire hospital have to see my breasts as I attempted to feed my screaming offspring? Was it normal to not feel gushy toward my new little bundles?

We journeyed home, having no idea what to expect. Granted, every onesie was washed and placed in the appropriate drawer. I had three dozen burp clothes ready to go. The nursery was in pristine condition and the car seats were installed. We knew the sleep deprivation would be bad, but there is simply no way to prepare for how hideous it really was. It peeked around three weeks, when I found myself sobbing in the shower, praying that my c-section incision would suddenly become infected so that I could go back to the hospital, so that someone would take care of me. I was also struck with a strong case of the “baby blues,” in which I thought I must be going crazy. How could I possibly feel resentment toward these miracles? How could I possibly want a break from being their mother? Other women would kill for the chance to do what I was doing! We struggled for three years for this, and now I want to run away??

Gradually, things began to look up. The tennis-ball sized knot in my shoulder started decreasing in size. I stopped crying. Dark chocolate and vicodin were no longer necessary tools to get through the day, as my incision healed and my stress decreased. The babies started sleeping better.

I have now been a mother for 16 months. It has been a serious crash course in Motherhood 101, but I am loving it! Sure, there are the daily melt downs, the nine loads of laundry a week, the food crusted in my hair.

When they were itty bitty, I would find myself rocking them long after they were done eating, breathing in their scent, savoring those moments, nuzzling their little necks, marveling at their features and thinking about their futures. In hindsight, our quiet time in the middle of the night was often my favorite part of the day.

Now that I am getting better sleep, I recognize how fleeting time really is. I celebrate each achievement and developmental milestone, but part of me aches just a little, knowing that they will never be as small as they were back then, or are today. They will no longer be this desiring of my closeness.

I am a realist. I know that my job as their mom will change, ebb and flow. Motherhood is fluid. I don’t always have good days. I feel guilty when I give more attention to one than the other. I feel badly that I sometimes long for the simplicity of life before children. It bothers me that when they cry incessantly in the close confines of our van, my brain feels like it is melting, and I contemplate parking the car and getting out and walking. Yet I am trying desperately to capture and record this time, because I know it won’t happen again.

Honestly, the first few weeks are a blur of exhaustion and pain medication. But today, I have my own little outlets of therapy. I maintain this blog for friends and family. I keep a little video diary, recording every precious moment. I take many, many pictures. I write in their baby books. But somehow, it just doesn’t feel like enough. There simply is no way to freeze time, to convey exactly how much my heart has expanded to hold the love I feel for my babies. I hardly think I have enough capacity in my chest.

Today I was wishing that I could take a mold of them so that I could always remember how they felt all warm and snuggly in their footed pajamas, nestled into the curve of my neck. Then I thought about how it is my responsibility to shape these little beings, to mold them into little people, to train them in compassion, integrity and putting others before themselves. And I think this responsibility is also molding me in the process.

I am more tolerant of bratty kids acting up in public. I exchange sympathetic looks with pregnant women. My world has expanded exponentially. I am overwhelmed.

Yes, I loved them when they were inside, closer to my heart. I studied their movements, pondered, speculated, and assigned personality traits. And when I first met them I was glad to see them. But motherhood took hold of me slowly, completely. This journey cannot be halted or stopped, and it will be through joy and sadness that I guide my little ones through life.

And it will be my life’s greatest work, to mother these two little miracles.

Wordless Wednesday

Weekend Re-Cap

Well, it was another busy weekend at the Parker household!

On Friday I decided to try my hand at grocery shopping on triple coupon days at Harris Teeter. Basically, I learned that I have a lot to learn about couponing! I made my shopping list and sorted all of the coupons before I left the house...even had them all organized according to locating within the store.

I also had Ella and Aidan with me, which meant that I had to be quick - they only have so much patience! Even though they absolutely LOVE to ride in the special 2-seater cart, eventually someone is bound to bite / hit / pinch the other before too long. This picture is from one of Mom & Dad's past visits, but shows their favorite grocery cart.

Anyway, there were women there with huge binders of coupons...and they were very aggressive. I was actually a bit scared as some were very pushy and oblivious (or didn't care) about the two little ones I had in tow.

I did manage to save about $40....not too bad for my first attempt. I'll do better next time!

When I got home and unloaded everything, Aidan decided that he needed to help with the toilet paper. He proceeded to carry it around for nearly an hour placing it in different spots.

On Saturday Mike and I took the kids to Festival in the Park. This is a huge arts and crafts festival that comes in September every year.

Last year we went and had Ella and Aidan in the Baby Bjorns - and it was ridiculously hot and a miserable experience. This year the weather was perfect, but Ella and Aidan were still too little to do any of the kid related rides. Next year should be just right for them to enjoy everything that the festival has to offer.

On Sunday, Ella learned to color without eating the crayons and made her very first picture!

I set up their Aquadoodle pad and let them have fun. Aidan was not interested in the least. Ella; however, got right to work. She did so well that I decided to give her some paper and crayons and I am now a very proud Mom with Ella's first artwork hanging on the refrigerator!

Ella Walks!

Though she still prefers to "knee walk", we can convince her to walk if the timing is right and it meets with her approval!

Wordy Wednesday

Interesting facts about twins:

Worldwide there are at least 125 million living multiples.

Up to 22 percent of twins are left-handed. In the non-twin population the number is just under 10 percent.

The United States has one of the highest rates of multiples, while Japan has one of the lowest with multiple births occurring one in 120 births.

Incredible fact: according to the Guinness Book of Records, Leontina Albina, from the country of Chile, gave birth to the last of her 55 children in 1981. Her offspring included five sets of twins (all boys).

The scientific study of twins is known as "gemellology".

The word twin is derived from an ancient German word twine, which means 'two together.'

The average weight of a singleton newborn is 7 lbs. 6 oz., but the average weight of a twin newborn is 5 lbs. 5 oz.

Fraternal twins are much more common than identical twins. The chances of having identical twins is about one in 285.

Identical twins exhibit almost identical brain wave patterns.

Genetic factors do not have much, if any, affect on the incidence of identical twins. Identical twins do not run in families.

What a concept! There is a restaurant in New York City called "Twins." It was started by twin sisters and is staffed by 37 sets of twins who work the same shifts. Each evening they get 10 or more sets of twins or multiples who patron their unique restaurant.

Did you know that Elvis Presley and Liberace were both twins? Their siblings died at birth.

The famed advice columnist's Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren ("Dear Abby") are twins.

William Shakespeare was the father of boy/girl twins.

A recent study found that the cost of each birth in a twin delivery was 2 to 3 times that of a birth in a singleton delivery.

Famous people who have parented twins:
Jane Pauley and Garry Trudeau
Ricky Nelson
Jane Seymour
Cybill Sheperd
James Stewart
Margaret Thatcher
President George W. Bush
Robert DeNiro
Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan
Mel Gibson
Ron Howard
Muhammad Ali
Denzel Washington

Visit to the Charlotte Nature Museum

Mike and I took the kids to the Charlotte Nature Museum on Saturday, and it was really worth the trip! Well, just about any place that they can run around and explore is a great place these days!

We saw snakes, owls (the family favorite!!), turtles, fish, birds, a skunk, and tons of butterflies! Of course, as soon as we walked in the door, Aidan made a beeline for the fishtank and all of the sudden started saying "Tuk, Tuk, Tuk, Vrrrr". Sure enough, he was more fascinated by the giant mural of a truck painted on the wall than any of the animals!

We did come home with two new stuffed friends - a bird that chirps (Ella's favorite) and an owl (Aidan's favorite).

Not only was it a great afternoon, but Ella and Aidan both learned the word Owl and that an Owl says "who, who". They chant it over and over when holding the owl. They now have quite an animal sound list - dog, cow, monkey & owl.

A Few Life Lessons from Twin Toddlers

Here are a few facts of life that Ella and Aidan have taught us since they exited the infancy stage:
* Whatever is on our plate is better than what is on theirs - even if it is the exact same thing.
* If we are on the floor, we should be climbed upon.
* If your nose is running, the couch is a good place to wipe it.
* If you want them to run away from you, ask them if they need a diaper change.
* Their own smell from a dirty diaper does NOT bother them AT ALL.
* Anything that they can reach is theirs.
* The toilet is a water table.
* Pooping in the tub is fun - it makes Mom move REALLY fast!
* If you spill cheerios on the floor, they make a lovely crunching sound when you dance on them.
* Diapers make wonderful hats.
* When in the library waiting for story time to begin, the best way to make Mom completely frantic is to either A) take off down the aisles of books, thus forcing her to leave Ella behind and come chasing after you as you giggle loudly to yourself, or B) Scream as loud as you can (preferably in your brother’s ear), thus making everyone stare and sigh in relief as the door closes behind us on our way out.

Wordless Wednesday

16 Months

Wow - another month has gone by. Life just goes by so quickly these days.

Ella and Aidan are 16 months old today.

We have had a wonderful day thus far.....we had our daily walk this morning with Kristi and her daughter Nori.....Rhonda and Caden joined us this morning, which was a rare treat!

After the walk, we headed out to the library for story time. They had a blast and Aidan was walking all over the room "chatting" with the other babies. The bubbles at the end of class were their favorite!

I think we may head out to the Nature Museum this afternoon...

A few tidbits about each of them at 16 months:

Ella

* Very bossy - loves to point her finger and tell everyone what to do

* Strangely shy in certain situations. She often defers to Aidan for direction...she looks to him to see what he is doing before she acts

* "Stranger Danger" is gone and she no longer clings to me and only me

* Trying very hard to walk. She is pretty stubborn and is very close, but still insists on holding our hand for balance

* Started biting and throwing serious temper tantrums!!

Aidan

* Still a very picky eater. He is quick to let us know that the pasta he devoured for dinner last night is simply inedible today and will refuse to eat.

* LOVES all fruits, but no veggies

* Finally sleeping through the night without fussing at all

* Walks everywhere!!!

* Loves to tackle his sister and knock her over

Both

* No longer eat in highchairs, but in booster seats at the kitchen table. Since they feed themselves, I thought it was time to join us at the table!

* Obsessed with shoes

* Take one nap a day (most of the time) from about 12:30 - 3:00.

* Talk up a storm and know the majority of their body parts and can point to them when asked

* Have full reign of the living room AND kitchen - we are slowly expanding their little empire!

Our little walker:

Our little temper tantrum Queen:

Random Ponderings

Back before Ella and Aidan were a twinkle in my eye I had visions of what being a Mom was all about -

I knew there would be sleep deprivation, but I never knew I would be so tired I could barely function.

I knew there would be crying and fussing, but my goodness, the crying, fussing and whining is enough to make you poke your ear drums out.

I knew there would be worry and fear over their health and well being. What I didn’t know was that it is a constant fear and worry over their well being. Everything revolves around making them happy, keeping them safe, and A LOT of entertaining.

I never knew how much the babies would change me….not my life, but me, Jennifer. I am not the world’s most patient person, but when it comes to the babies I have more patience than I have ever known myself to have! I do get tired, and frustrated, and stressed…but I don’t often lose my patience with them. I figure Ella and Aidan will most likely be our only children and I am happy to keep them babies for as long as possible.

I am acutely aware that how I raise my children will affect who they become. And with twins, the question of "who was first?" is imminently hard to avoid. Overall I'm not concerned with who is doing what first. But with twins, it is so blatantly obvious when one accomplishes something. I watch daily as they each grow more curious about their surroundings and attempt to learn to negotiate their environment with trials and successes. Each is excelling at their own pace but learning similar things and each has their strengths and skills in certain areas, although this changes day to day: a testament to how each will eventually accomplish all skills needed in development in their own time.

At this point in time, Aidan is negotiating the movement realm by walking everywhere and Ella has the most precise fine motor skills like picking up little pieces of lint from the carpet and handing them to me.

As a parent, I am making a concerted effort to avoid giving one more attention or more praise than the other or comparing by stating "she did this first.." But to instead phrase it as "she is doing 'x' and he is doing 'y". I now find each one looking at me quizzically (it's possible its all in my imagination at this early an age, but maybe not) when I pick the other one up for something and invariably give lots of hugs, kisses and praise. So I then find myself picking the other one up to bestow upon her / him hugs, kisses and praise as well. I hope to foster a sense that each is equally important and, of course, just use it as more of an excuse to give twice the hugs and kisses. I want to be sure that each knows I love them equally through my actions and words.

Today as the three of us were playing, I reached down and picked them both up, one in each arm. It was another one of those daily moments when I am reminded how truly blessed I am. Nothing is more wonderful than having two drooly little babies giving you kisses.

I have waited my whole life for these moments. As they grow up at the same time, I hope they will not focus on comparing themselves to each other but, instead, discover their own strengths. Some the same, some different - but each no better than the other.

I want them to learn to discover their own path in life and to gain confidence in making their own choices and in their ability to conquer life's challenges on their own time and in their own way.

I hope they realize that they will get there via only their own hard work and sometimes a little luck, not just because the other one has.

I hope most of all, that when one reaches his/her goal, they will celebrate their special bond by always sharing in each others successes, whether one or the other is first.

In the end, it's not about who is first but that they both accomplish what they want in life and it melts my heart to know that they will always have someone to share it with when they get there.

Wordless Wednesday

Labor Day Weekend

We had a fantastic weekend full of fun and first steps!!

Opa and Grandma Suzy came to visit - it was such fun to have them here, and it was priceless that they got to witness Aidan walking for the first time and Ella's first little baby steps!

We had a great brunch on Sunday at Raintree with Mike's parents (Happy Birthday Grandaddy!), and did our usual dinner at Miro and lunch the next day at Zapatas.

Here are a few pictures from the weekend!















There Goes Aidan!!